A Killer English Teacher
by John DAgostino, Eccentric Outsider Artist, a.k.a. John Dog

I am going to be the death of you yet. This is what Sharon my English teacher told me. I have been studying English for 3 years and I has learned a good amount of idiomatic expressions. But I did not know what she meaned by this words. I think she will give us lots of home work. I  work hard all day at the bank, HSBC. I come to class 3 nights a week. I am getting very tired at night. Maybe she will kill me with home work.

I must to study for my accounting certificate. My boss said I will get  lost my job when I don't pass the examination. A nother thing is I can not get no job advance I no pass English course. Maybe I will talk to my  friend John. John is an eccentric outsider artist and writer (he helped me write that). He will help me with my English talking. He will say me what to do. I don't know, my teacher is crazy woman, her fingernails is black. She has pink hair and metal rings in her eyes lid and noses hole. John says she probably got metal stuck in all other places. I don't want to say where. He says she is kissing with girls.

John is a very well writer. He writes in the internet. He showed me his   – notes of a dirty old outsider artist blog thing. John is old. He knows many things. He does not look not clean. But he say – Ayse my hunney bun(?) I am very dirty old man. I want to be you're private tutor. He say  I must to be careful with my teacher Sharon. He says - She will eat you  for lunch. Sharon will chew on your carpet. We have nice table in lunch room. I don't no understand.

I have starting my new English class for 4 weeks. The start 20 students  join the lessons. Every day I going to class more pupils not in room.  I thinking might be that my teacher is killing other students. My teacher  name Sharon have a very much funny laugh. She laugh like load bird in jungle. She laugh at student mistakes. She make me mad some time. But I no say some thing because Sharon going to hand me bad mark. I know girl  Fatima is class very sad for bad mark on exam. Sharon be nice to her.  She  very pretty. Sharon touch Fatima hair later give Fatima extra lesson at  Sharon apartment. Might be Sharon is not a bad teacher.

I am become worry. Police come to school to say some thing to Sharon  teacher. I hear much many boys missing from lesson. I dont know. One boy at class was call me some time. But I no have phone call from long ago.  Police man tell he is missing. police are very nice on Turkey because he worry student not go to lesson.

We have funny class on today. Sharon teacher give we fact to make conversation about people health. In Turkey some peoples has heart attack. Turkish peoples like eat lamb meat kebab. Sharon teacher give to me paper with words on paper.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  the British or Americans.

I tell my class Japanese people very little fat, not big people. I read English good.

She give Erkan my friend a nother paper. It write on the paper

2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Erkan tell that french fry haves more fat a lot. and French peoples attack British and America.

Erkan no understand English good.

My Sharon teacher nother paper to give to Emre. Emre is no smart.  Papers says

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Emre says little drunk Japanese attack British and American because no like war on Iraq.

Dilara is a pretty girl. Sharon teacher give Dilara help to read on paper.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Dilara don't know English words. But Sharon teacher give answer to Dilara not understanding.

She say Italian drinking much red wine no having heart attack problem.

Sharon  teacher give every some body at class paper with sentence.

5.. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Now me understand teacher is killing the full class students. I say to my friend John outsider artist no to worry.